Luna, in a fit of inspiration, decides to help out a friend at his most vulnerable, but definitely not in a way that you would expect. Because she’s Luna. And he’s awkward. It’s for the best. Trust me.
“Your name is quite ironic, you know. ‘Longbottom.’” She silently tested the name out on her tongue, using unnecessary emphasis. She wildly shook her head and continued. “I don’t think your bum is long at all. It’s more pudgyish, smaller than I would imagine.”
“Luna!” Neville yelled, His hands instinctively covering his bottom.
“If anything, your last name should be Longshaft instead—”
“Luna, please!” Now his hand went to cover his clothed privates.
Luna’s eyes widened even more than usual, in what he correctly guessed was disbelief. “You think you can cover all that with one hand?” She asked incredulously.
Neville closed his eyes. If he had chosen any other day to be a little adventurous, and leave the door unlocked when he wanked, Luna probably wouldn’t have walked through the door, stepped through all the charms near his bed, and pulled open the charmed-un-openable curtains.
She continued looking at his hand, and he was starting to get a bit uncomfortable and just a little bit stiff. “Which side do you keep it on? Hermione thinks Harry keeps his on the left side of his pants. Well, she always sits on Harry’s left, so I’m only assuming, but that thing is impossible to ignore if you know where it is. You’re almost the same size as him, you have to have a side, right?”
Neville chose not to answer, so he paid the consequences by letting Luna continue.
“Or do you roll it up in your underwear? That would hurt, wouldn’t it? I suppose, if you get a semi in class, it’ll roll out like one of those muggle party favors that you have to… blow…? I suppose that’s how they got the idea. Makes one wonder who inspired such a clever creation? Is that why you roll it up?”
Often, Neville wished he were in his parents place in the hospital, since he had found out that Bellatrix was there to kill him that night. Now, however, he wished that Luna was in their place. He slowly sunk under the covers, concentrating every bit of his magic into making him disappear from the world. He was a powerful wizard – it would have worked, if it wasn’t for Hogwarts wards.
“Neville, there’s no reason to be ashamed. Actually, you’ve got quite the bragging tool. I’d be inclined to help you bolster your encouragement if I wasn’t entering a contract with the others.”
Neville poked his head out, before quickly correcting his boxers. He blushed, thankful that she didn’t notice. He then poked his much larger head out. “Contract?”
Luna took on her usual faraway look. “Just this agreement Hermione, Padma, and Daphne came up with. Since Harry killed Voldemort last week, he’s been feeling a bit… worthless, you could say. You’d think that with the school treating him like a God, he’d be happy, but Hermione believes that just like every year, the next time he does something frowned upon, everyone’s going to hate him again. She’s right, of course. He thinks he’s stepping on eggshells right now. If he lost the upcoming Quidditch game, would everyone think less of him? Of course, they’re all, for lack of more deserving titles, ‘fickle bastards.’ So Hermione decided it was high time a contract was written up, so we could whip Harry into shape.”
Luna stopped and cocked her head to the side, staring at the blank wall behind Neville. “I should rephrase that, because if anyone’s doing the whipping, it’ll be Harry.” A ghost of a smile graced her lips. Her pixie nose wrinkled cutely.
Neville couldn’t help but be curious. “Whaddyou mean? Isn’t Daphne a Slytherin?”
Luna nodded absently, but they both knew she was paying full attention to the conversation. “She’s avoiding the betrothal with Goyle. I hear that Pansy is on defense about her betrothal with Draco. Should I write up a contract with you and her?” For the smallest of seconds, her eyes flickered to his crotch, still protected by his hands. “I’m sure she’d be very happy.”
Neville blushed. Pansy was quite cute. And it would certainly be a one-up on Draco.
In his aroused state, he was only thinking of the advantages. “Do you think she’d agree to it?”
Luna nodded. “Of course. She’s pretty sure Malfoy doesn’t even like girls. ‘Like father, like son,’ she said.”
Neville raised an eyebrow, and what was left of his hard-on disappeared. He reluctantly removed his hands.
“Ah,” Luna said, as if something made perfect sense. “You’re a grower, not a shower.”
And the hands went back.
“I don’t know why you’re hiding it. I’d be running through the Great Hall naked if I were you.” She smiled fondly. “I did that once. It’s quite fun, really. Harry talked me into using his invisibility cloak first. Such a considerate man. He didn’t want me to get cold.”
She focused back on Neville. “Well, I do believe the Umgubular Slaskkilters have done their jobs with the animation. I hope they choose a creative title for their work.”
If Neville’s mental capacity was ever close to Luna’s, he’d be smart enough to know his IQ just dropped a few points. Did he just have a stroke? What was she talking about? He knew he shouldn’t ask, but he really couldn’t help it. “Say what now?”
Luna nodded to herself, or to the Umburglar something, he didn’t know. “The Nargles told me not to tell you. You might try to take away their best artwork yet. Happy tidings, Neville!” She waved to him and left the dorm, leaving the curtains open.
Neville was, understandably, confused as hell. Artwork? What artwork? He supposed he would never know.
For some reason, his hard-on was slowly rising. Considering he had nothing better to do, he felt he should at least finish. Luna confused every natural part of his body, from his brain to his dick, so he decided to think about something more simple – Pansy.
Several minutes in, he was interrupted by a gasp. He rolled over as fast as he could and looked back at the door.
Damn Luna. Damn her to the darkest pits of hell.
He had only found out the next day, after Pansy petrified Neville (He was really starting to hate that spell being used on him) and proceeded to show him that, yes, she was very interested in the makings of a contract between him and her, before he found out the real reason she had come up to his dorm.
In the Great hall was a ten foot tall tarp and 3 girls waiting for him – Marietta, Alicia, and his longtime crush, Hannah. They all smiled at him shyly, and he felt a bit uncomfortable. He had been told, in no uncertain terms, that he was in a relationship with Pansy. Apparently, Slytherin and their Pureblood ideals vs. big dicks was very much like Scissors vs. Rock. There was a clear winner every time, and she showed pride in proving it.
As Pansy aristocratically limped over to them from the Slytherin table (which, Neville had to admit, filled him with pride), she and the other girls explained to him about the tarp that seemed to be covering a portrait.
And the reason why everyone was staring at him.
The Portrait had been charmed into existence, and no one knew how it got there. Of course, Luna had an explanation, but no one listened. Neville asked to hear it.
And then he got the truth. According to her, the Nargles drew a very descript, detailed, life-like portrait of Neville Longbottom masturbating furiously. The title read:
Neville Longbottom Masturbating Furiously
The detail in the painting made up for the title. He remembered what she said about the Umgubular Slaskkilters – they animated the portrait. Needless to say, The staff had worked tirelessly to take down the painting. He blushed heavily when he noticed that no one had taken their eyes off of him. He was even more embarrassed when he looked at Professor Sprout, his favorite professor, wink at him lasciviously. He certainly didn’t mind; No one forgets their first wet dream.
When he spotted Luna, she was sitting next to Harry, eating pudding and talking to Hermione, who was on Harry’s… left… side. Actually, she did always sit there. He had never noticed.
He also couldn’t help but notice the nonchalant pose she was in, spooning her pudding with the politest of manners, her other hand in her lap.
No, wait, not her own lap. Harry’s. Ah, so there was the infamous Invisibility cloak he heard about from Luna. Luckily, he was unable to see her relaxed hand movements.
Knew a bloke couldn’t be grinning that broadly from eating pumpkin pie. Well, except Ron.
He didn’t know whether to hug Luna, or try to kill her, but he didn’t want to get on Harry’s bad side. So he did the next best thing and sat at the end of the table to enjoy his meal with his apparent new girlfriends, Hannah holding his hand.
He shouldn’t have left that door unlocked for Luna yesterday. If he could go back and lock the bloody door, he would have without missing a beat. But he would endure. Hannah admitted she liked him for a while now. Pansy was in it to avoid the betrothal contract with Draco. Alicia thought he was handsome and felt she should pay him back for all those years of him tutoring her in Herbology. And Marietta, under close scrutiny, revealed that she had a fascination with girls that only Cho understood, until now.
A few minutes later, Cho joined the table, willing to explore the opportunities with Marietta. It’s what Cedric would’ve wanted.
They were all willing to share, and Neville was willing to endure.
All because of Luna Fucking Lovegood.